Descending into the Unknown

Almost immediately after the "taxi"  incident she became belligerent , difficult to manage, swore like a stevedore and even became physically violent - primarily only with me. Her anger flared quickly to the point where it was explosive, and would dissipate almost as fast, but in between the waning and waxing, I became the "abused". She had no control over her emotional state, and afterward, she seemed to be unable to remember it all.

That period was fairly short, but intense and I found it one of the most difficult to endure without becoming angry at her. She hit me, called me names (bad ones), blamed me for hundreds of things - everything from their dog having to be put to sleep (long after I'd left home) to my dad getting leukemia and dying, to her having alzheimer's. There was little I escaped from. She accused me of stealing her money, her jewelry, just about anything she couldn't find and happened to remember from some point in her life.

Most of the worst occurred when I was alone with her - while she did get angry with me (anytime, anywhere), she never actually hit me in my husband's presence (I think she was afraid of him), nor in my daughter's presence. She'd pinch me, pull my hair, spit at me, punch or slap me - all the things no one ever expects their mother to do to them when they're an adult.

I never shared most of the worst with my family. It was difficult enough for them to see what was happening to her. Mostly, I bore it alone. From that point on though, I retreated into myself...pulled my shell around me tightly and closed off a lot of my life. My own emotions buried deep beneath mom's needs.

I thought I was handling that fairly well - doing what needed done day in and day out. Essentially, my purpose for getting up in the morning became caring for mom, and after a while, my entire life became hers. It's a little hard to explain, but you don't really have a life that revolves around anything except that one person. All you see in your life is that person - everyone else becomes almost invisible to you. That one person becomes the reason you exist.

During this time we had mom assessed for a nursing home. That didn't go well. It was a long time - almost 3 hours of questions (many with wrong answers). At the end of it, the assessor felt it wasn't urgent that mom be in a long term care facility, but she should be put on the waiting list. That would be about a year at the quickest, and as long as two years before we might have a spot.

Silently, I wondered if I would still be alive at that point.